言は言う
by Kurai Himitsu
Summary: Sai wants to love Naruto—he does—but he can’t. He can only pretend. One-shot


**A/N:** Well… Um, enjoy? :'D It seems as though…I may slowly be returning. Or at least, posting some small fics that have been lying around.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Naruto_, and I'm not making any money off this

**Ratings:** PG

**Genre:** Angst

**Warnings:** Yaoi/shounen-ai

**Main Characters:** Sai, Naruto

**Additional Notes:** The title is "Gen wa Iu"—"Say the Word."  


* * *

言は言う

"_I can't do the walk__  
I can't do the talk__  
I can't be your friend__  
Unless I pretend  
__  
So give me the song  
__And I'll sing it like I mean it__  
So give me the words  
And I'll say them like I mean it" _— The Feeling, "Sewn"

Sai could not feel. He was aware of this, and in some oxymoronic, oddly paradoxical way it hurt to know. He was, however, a terrific actor. It was something he was grateful Naruto never realized. He was grateful that Naruto never realized their love was only smoke and mirrors and watery reflections, all skin and lust and sweat and something that never seemed to be nameable outside of a vague concept the blonde called "love." And Sai would lie there afterwords, the blonde curled to his side like the child he really was, and think and ponder over what he had heard and felt (physically and never anything more) and what it could mean. What was this, he wondered. Does this have a name? Does this _mean_ anything? He asked the walls this, he asked the sky. He waited patiently (or perhaps impatiently) for some response, however small. But as he lie there in the wake of the panting and moving and dying little deaths, all he heard was silence. The walls and the sky never seemed to answer.

*

They walked together in the sunlight that he hardly noticed any longer, through the village, hands clasped together and laughing (or, in Sai's case, manipulating his vocal chords to produce something similar to laughing but wasn't—not really). Naruto flashed a smile that was so full of life that Sai suddenly felt so old he could barely move. The laugh again—rinse, repeat.

"Look! We walk the same!"

Sai forced his lips into a somewhat-smile, a deformed butterfly doomed to die. He didn't tell Naruto they only walked in tandem because he made it so.

*

They fought, and it wasn't rare. Naruto's voice would raise—his wouldn't. Their small apartment would echo with the blonde's screams, and Sai nearly winced for the neighbors. He didn't understand it—not really—it was always something inconsequential and stupid, _pointless_, to him. As small as commenting on Sasuke's idiocy or the inappropriateness of the Godaime's behavior. It always seemed to _mean_ something to Naruto, though. It meant little to him, in the end. Even the fight meant nothing. It wouldn't hurt him—he couldn't feel such things, after all. It was always the same, in any case. It always ended on the bed—or wherever was handy at the time (but that was the only thing that was somewhat unpredictable). It was like a worn-out old movie—Naruto would scream himself hoarse and dry and then, when his throat was sore, he would cry until his eyes were so red they looked wet with blood. Sai found it odd. He sometimes wondered if tears stung or if they soothed (if they stung, he thought that Naruto would be a masochist).

Through all the tears, though, Naruto still managed to say it. The three words that puzzled Sai to no end. "I love you."

They were always there, though sometimes jumbled, sometimes said as a curse. He wondered what their meaning really was.

*

He watched Naruto. It was one of his favorite past times. Loved to watch him laugh, loved to watch that mouth curve up in a grin—such a child still, unlike any nin he'd ever seen, ever met. It fascinated him. It went against every lesson he had been taught in Root. Against every one of his instincts—to be that open. He wondered at it, at why Naruto would possibly want to make himself that vulnerable, that _weak_. But of course, it was the weakness he loved so much, the inability of Naruto to lie convincingly to him—he was an open book, though the pages were tattered and in neon colors, reds, yellows, and most of all orange. He was like fire, and Sai wondered if he was only using the boy to warm himself and melt his personal arctic crust.

*

He wanted to be there, he knew. He wanted the feeling of the blonde, wanted the vague and in between things he couldn't name. As he lay next to the blonde, his fingers traced the spiral seal, traced down the dips and curves, then those lips, gently, softly over those eye lids. He was so practiced at being undetectable that Naruto never stirred in his sleep. He marveled at that for a moment—his ability to be so careful, the training that had made him _perfect_, so far removed from the blonde beside him. He frowned, though it was barely noticeable. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Naruto's lips.

Naruto's eyes opened at that and he yawned, giving Sai a questioning glance.

Sai only smiled. He hadn't wanted to be perfect this time.

* * *

  
**A/N:** Not the best I've ever done…but it'll do. :3 Please, _review!_


End file.
